


Blue and Yellow

by Merixcil



Series: Tumblr Fics [79]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:02:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23529598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merixcil/pseuds/Merixcil
Summary: Bruce is called in to assist with some routine police work
Series: Tumblr Fics [79]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1759627
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	Blue and Yellow

“What do you expect me to do?” Bruce looks past the uniformed officer that Gordon had directed him to, towards a rather run-down Chinatown convenience store.

The officer’s eyes are wide, shoulders hunched and hands shaking. She won’t last long on the force. “I mean, shouldn’t you take him away? Or something? Isn’t that what you do?”

On the stoop of the sad little store, lit by the overbearing halogen bulbs within, The Joker is trying and failing to smoke a cigarette, coughing out rib crushing guffaws after every drag. A few months back he had blackmailed or threatened or just plain irritated a very high-end New York law firm into taking his case, resulting in him being acquitted of all charges then on record. From jay walking to attempted mass murder, all gone in the blink of an eye. As far as the state of New Jersey is concerned, he’s innocent.

A muscle in Bruce’s jaw twitches. “I’d like to, but there’s not much I can do here.”

“Oh.” The officer’s mouth droops. “I was hoping…seeing as you’re Batman and all…”

The Joker doesn’t appear to be going anywhere in a hurry. He’s trying to engage in conversation with a second officer who has a taser cautiously trained on him. Strictly speaking, the police aren’t supposed to point a weapon at anyone without provocation.

“What you have him for?” Bruce asks.

“Shoplifting.” The officer shrugs. “The owner called in in. I think he was just scared because it’s The Joker. Normally they don’t bother.” She’s tense as anything, and her partner lacks the temperament of an officer Bruce wants to see on the streets.

“Put that away.” Bruce snaps as he passes the man with the taser and snatching the cuffs off his belt as he passes.

Joker pretends not to notice Bruce until he’s two feet away. “Batsy! Good to see you, old chum. You’re looking good. Been hitting the gym? Maybe we can go together sometime, I’d love to give you a hand with the weights.

Bruce pauses, trying to identify the innuendo that Joker’s leer would suggest is evident, but quickly gives up. “I’m here to arrest you.”

“Arrest me? But I’m a law-abiding citizen! Got the papers to prove it and all. Plus, you’re not a real cop so how are you going to arrest me?”

“I’m deputised.”

Joker smacks a hand to his forehead with a shriek. “Of course you are!”

Moving quickly, so as not to give him any time to think about escape, Bruce snatches Joker’s wrist, twisting it round sharply to get him to drop what’s left of the cigarette. He opens the cuffs and snaps the first one on quickly, then drags the clown forward to get a hold of his other hand.

Joker yelps in surprise then breaks down into giggles. “Now, now, dearest. Not here.”

“You are under arrest.” Bruce drones as he gets Joker’s other hand into the cuffs. “You have a right to remain silent. Anything-“

“I choose to waive that right.” Joker snaps to attention and brings his arms up with enough force to half drag Bruce off his feet. “Pink donkey dildos! Very large testicles on an eighty-year old man! Gaping great cunt smashed open on the motorway.”

“Shut up!”

“Shan’t! Nine eleven was in inside job!”

Joker keeps it up all the way to the back seat of the police car. Bruce hands over the keys to the cuffs and makes to leave.

“Wait!” The uniformed officer who is ostensibly in charge calls him back, sounding panicked. “You’re not just gonna leave him with us?”

It’s not really a question, but she’s asking. Bruce shrugs. “He’s not violent. You can add a public disturbance charge to his rap sheet when you get to the station.”

The car drives off and Bruce can still hear The Joker screaming obscenities from two streets over.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b9XFfuQn2G8)
> 
> This fic was originally posted on my [tumblr](https://jeffersonhairpie.tumblr.com/). You can also find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/chadfuture_)
> 
> Comments are love!


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